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The last time Dwayne Johnson hosted Saturday Night Live, it was in early 2009 with musical guest, Ray LaMontagne. It was a solid episode, nothing as great as the first time he hosted with AC/DC and we got amazing sketches like “Nicotrel”, “Papa Peepers” and The Rock as an undercover cop dressed as a prostitute on “The Lady’s Man with Leon Phelps.” Still, there was one sketch on Rock’s 2009 appearance that really stood out, “The Rock Obama”, featuring Fred Armisen as Barack Obama, trying to keep his cool as bad news and outraged commentary surrounded his first 100 days in office, and Johnson as The Rock Obama, Barack’s angry, Incredible Hulk-like alter-ego. A hilarious idea, topical and something only The Rock could pull off.
Perhaps WWE should’ve worked on getting The Rock on SNL to hype WrestleMania rather than last night’s Raw.
I don’t know what happened last night, but I can’t think of a time when The Rock was that bad. Even when he’s just popping in to spew catchphrases (which is always), it’s still fun, it’s The Rock! You get to do the sing-along thing, Rock will get a zinger or two in, the crowd goes bonkers, he disappears for a few months, rinse, repeat. But The Rock’s first appearance (I think?) since Survivor Series was a complete bomb; oh sure, the crowd was bonkers, but I suspect that’s because they got The Rock and last week’s crowd got the worst WWE moment in years, but that was not a good moment for ol’ Dwayne.
The biggest mistake was opening with “yeah I know said I was never leaving again, but you’re smart enough to know that I was lying.” Obviously no one expected The Rock to be on Raw every week and we all knew he meant he wasn’t going to be taking another seven-year vacation, but it was a gaffe to say it in the first place and an even bigger one to try to spin it like he did. Considering he named-dropped Roddy Piper later in his promo, perhaps he should’ve tried to equate his absences to the Hot Rod’s. He could say something to the effect of while he may step away from WWE TV, he’s out there raising awareness of WWE in his high-profile appearances in blockbuster movies and numerous talk show appearances. It’s hard to find a better brand ambassador than The Rock, Cena certainly doesn’t have his mainstream appeal.
Rock only made matters worse when he attacked Cena for “fighting for the guys in the back.” Rock claimed no one fought for him and while Cena fights for the guys in the back, Rock fights for the people. So basically The Rock created a situation where it’s him and the WWE fans against John Cena and the WWE wrestlers? I’ve often worried that The Rock’s return highlights how much bigger he is than the rest of the locker room, but I never thought he’d come right out and say it. That’s almost as bad as when Triple H made himself the only good guy against the revolting locker room last fall.
The rest of the promo was nothing but catchphrases and nonsense (Kung Pao Bitch, really?) until John Cena showed up and saved the segment. Yes, Cena saved the day and totally threw The Rock off his game, by saying he’s not even sweating their WrestleMania match because he knows he’s not fighting The Rock, he’s fighting Dwayne. The Rock, visibly shaken after the exchange, basically responded with “Nuh-uh, The Rock and Dwayne are TOTALLY the same guy because I say so… smell what The Dwayne is cookin!”
I felt bad for The Rock by the time it was all over. Cena showed up and killed his momentum with just a few sentences, despite The Rock whipping the crowd into a frenzy for 25 minutes with his psycho babble baby talk. Don’t get me wrong, The Rock can control a crowd like no one else, but when there’s no substance behind his words, we drift away from entertainer and into cult leader territory.
It reminds me very much of the Republican presidential primary race that essentially began around the time Dwayne did the Rock Obama sketch. You could probably make this point about any of the crazies that have popped up in the race, as they all share many qualities with The Rock’s performance last night: Donald Trump (celebrity), Sarah Palin (psycho babble baby talk, writing notes on hand), Ron Paul (cult leader), Herman Cain (smooth talker who makes no sense), or Rick Santorum (rampant homophobia), but there’s one that really stands out - Newt Gingrich.
Much like The Rock, Newt was a superstar in the 90s that rapidly rose to power when the public began to grow frustrated with the establishment. Newt ended a generation of Democratic rule in congress and is largely responsible for the modern conservative movement, The Rock helped end the “New Generation” and is largely responsible for the Attitude Era and modern professional wrestling. Gingrich vs. Clinton and The Rock vs. Austin were the defining rivalries of the 90s, they both relied on catchphrases and buzzwords to work the crowd (or media) in their favor, and though it was for wildly different reasons, they both left in the height of their popularity.
But neither really went away, Newt slinked away to write several best-selling books while The Rock went on to make blockbuster movies and when the time was right, they both returned to what made them famous. Immediately upon their returns, they threw out some red meat to their base: Newt Gingrich complained about gay people, The Rock made gay jokes about John Cena. The Rock rambles about Kung Pao chicken, Newt talks about colonizing the moon, neither really make any sense, but when it comes out of the mouths of these particular men, it warrants discussion based on their names alone.
This is the way both men operate, they know how to rile up their audience and get people talking, but once you scratch the surface, things start to fall apart. Whether it’s Newt’s hilarious hypocrisy on family values despite cheating on two of his ex-wives while they were both gravely ill, or The Rock twisting himself in a pretzel on “never leaving again,” they’re not as bulletproof as they think are.
Meanwhile, John Cena’s been taking a beating from all angles. Some of it’s justified, he hasn’t moved the dial upward for WWE, despite being promoted as the company’s #1 guy for seven years, and sometimes he can really disappoint, whether it’s in the ring or something like he did to Eve last week. But on top of valid criticisms, he has to deal with an audience that largely agrees with his message, they just hate the messenger too much to see it. He also has to deal with people with crazy eyes, like Kane and a guy who uses way too much bronzer, like The Miz. Sound like a certain President you might know?
Obviously I’m not saying that Dwayne Johnson the man is as vile and disgusting as Newt Gingrich, but in terms of his performance last night, it was positively Newtonian. He threw out the red meat, he spun the negatives into positives, went on and on about Twitter, and had the crowd believing his bullshit, no matter how crazy (seriously… Kung Pao Bitch? That deserves another “Really?!”), but two minutes of scrutiny shattered the illusion. Cena did more in those two minutes than The Rock did in 25 and the only people that should surprise are the Cena haters. Those of us who have been watching the guy with a fair eye for seven years know he can work that mic like Obama works a teleprompter, he just doesn’t need to show off every time like The Rock does.
If The Rock wants to hold onto this lead he has in the polls, he’s going to need to do a lot more than “Arrive. Gay Joke. Leave.”, otherwise, he could find himself flaming out spectacularly. He certainly has the home field advantage at WrestleMania, but so does Mitt Romney tonight in Michigan and he’s trailing the guy whose name is defined as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is often the byproduct of anal sex.”
Oh and “frothy mixture?” Now trending worldwide.
Razor is a regular contributor to Fair to Flair and the founder of Kick-Out!! Wrestling. It’s pretty difficult to miss him on Twitter, trying to be clever in 140 characters or less. You can also check out Kick-Out’s Facebook and Tumblr pages, because there just aren’t enough social networking sites out there.
The Rock & John Cena v. The Miz & R-Truth at Survivor Series 2011 is discussed by Jason Mann and Alex Torres of Failraiser. They talk about the strengths and weakness of the Rock-Cena story in 2011 heading to WrestleMania 28, how Rock and Cena have each been insufferable louses at times, how fun the Awesome Truth were together, and Alex’s experiences attending this show in person.
Jason: John Cena’s had a remarkable six-year run of getting a split but fervent reaction pretty much anywhere he goes. This is, as far as I can tell, unprecedented in wrestling. So why is this a problem, again?
Joe: So, firstly, I would say it’s not entirely unprecedented. Hogan’s babyface run in WCW was met with a pretty mixed reaction. Not quite to this level, but still.
Anyways, I argue that it’s bad because WWE seems to almost ignore it and keep booking him as a face. The more he’s matched against heels, the part of the crowd that boos him will start to not react at all. Heel vs. heel doesn’t play well, and that’s effectively what they have here.
WWE has a golden opportunity to do a hard heel turn at ‘Mania that will give the people booing him what they really want and make so many kids get heat on him in a big way. I fear, however, that they’ll blow it.
Scott: I disagree. The portion of the crowd that dislikes him dislikes his character; he’s getting a legitimate heel reaction. So in a sense, there’s no real way to “turn” him in the eyes of those fans. It’s not like they want to see him be evil. To them, he’s already detestable being exactly who he’s been for a decade.
Sure, you can easily turn him against his stereotypical fan base—the children—but to what end? It’s easy to create characters an average Cena fan would boo instinctively. It’s not easy to create a character who inflames such passion in more than one camp.
Joe: But the logic doesn’t hold when applied to other forms of art. If I don’t like Hamlet, because he’s a sniveling coward who only acts to avenge his father after he’s been assured he’s going to die anyways, that doesn’t make Hamlet not the hero.
If half of the fanbase doesn’t like John Cena because he’s a boyscout, he doesn’t become the de-facto heel. And while it’s nice that he incites passionate reactions on both sides, they don’t book him that way. They book him like the Boy Scout babyface he is. And that leads to what half of the crowd is viewing as heel vs. heel matches, which don’t play.
Your best and only real option eventually becomes booking him against other babyfaces, which is more viable and allows for both crowd reactions to work, but it also becomes one dimensional and boring. If you turn him heel, you can book him like a heel, and he will sell tickets to EVERYONE, because the kids, the girls and the guys who already hate him will pay to see him get beaten by Punk or Undertaker or whoever.
Jason: But Cena has played well off effective heels in the past: Miz, Punk, Orton, Umaga, Jericho, Edge and so on. I don’t recall a match he’s had outside of One Night Stand 2006 or Survivor Series 2011 where he didn’t at least have some fervent support. The fact that he’s a tweener (in the crowd-reaction sense, not in his character) actually means he has a more versatile range of opponents than most top good guys. He’s had effective matches against babyfaces like Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Lashley, Rob Van Dam and Batista, without harming the popularity of the other guy.
And I think what really stands out about Cena is the fervency of the reaction, even after six years of this phenomenon. The people who are behind him are still as loud and as passionate as ever; as are the haters. Hogan got a split reaction in his pre-NWO days, but it wasn’t like the fans who were behind him necessarily got more vigilant.
Scott: I’m inclined to hope Cena’s longevity is somewhat of a prototype for character development going forward. I would like to see more wrestlers simply be who they are — with the fans choosing to cheer or not — than have the traditional heel/face roles force fed.
I really like Ziggler’s work, but I don’t think I’d care for it as much if he had some major babyface turn in a feud with Swagger/Vickie. I like Daniel Bryan showing his “true” colors of late, but I also like to watch Mark Henry destroy people.
The main thing, for me, is to know what motivates a character. Hogan’s initial NWO run worked so well because the motives were clear: he was dropping the pretense of caring what people thought and pursuing glory at all costs. I don’t see an evolution into “evil Cena” having the same gravitas. If the kids no longer love him, there is a chance many adults will just grow indifferent.
Jason: I’ve said this before, but the John Cena heel turn template really has to come from Bret Hart, not Hulk Hogan. Hogan’s heel turn came because he was corrupted by power. Hart’s came because he was corrupted by his belief in the righteousness of his himself.
Cena certainly has that quality; he speaks of honor and respect, but he only lives by that during certain circumstances. He completely broke his word by not cooperating when he was a member of Nexus or completely ignoring that he’d been fired, for instance. And the guy can be a complete psycho, too: Annihilating Jack Swagger just because he’d beaten Zack Ryder for the U.S. title.
Scott: And even when Hart was a heel, he was still loved in his home country because those fans believed in the same things he did. What Cena needs as a foil is not Kane—Kane luring Cena into “hating” him and attacking him with ring steps is really no different from the way Cena has pursued other opponents in the past.
What he needs is a foe who points out his hypocrisy, someone like Punk or Ziggler or even Jericho who would illustrate how Cena has betrayed his own credo time and again. The Cena lovers would still support him, the Cena haters would have legitimate fuel for their ire, plus Cena could still make the angry faces and probably still be requested for Make-A-Wish appearances.
Joe: But the problem is you are being force-fed a traditional babyface role, which is exactly why a segment of the audience is reacting negatively. And WWE persists in pushing him down our throats as such (though, for the record, I like Cena, both in character and as a performer), as evidenced by the baby-kissing video package from the Royal Rumble.
The further problem I have is that, while I agree that I’d like to see deeper, more nuanced characters like Daniel Bryan and especially what Punk was doing in the summer, Cena isn’t that. Cena is Hulk Hogan Mk.II. He’s Superman to Punk’s Batman. He’s a straightforward, archetypal character who exists to the “traditional” fanbase (read: 18-to 35-year-old dudes) as a dull representation of the PG Era that they can’t help but despise him.
Which brings me to the biggest problem I have. Many of the fans who hate him hate him for reasons that exist outside of the story. They hate him for what he represents to the mileu of pro wrestling and what they perceive as a softening of a business that is centered on violence (neverminding that most of them became fans in the late ’80s, which was a prior PG Era).
They hate him because many of them think he can’t work, despite the fact that he has given them the only 5-star match WWE has produced in over a decade (also worth mentioning, these are the same fans who consider Meltzer to be the Lester Bangs of wrestling criticism, and his to be the last word in wrestling quality). This being the case, a heel Cena is exactly what will solve the problem for WWE, to say nothing of making Cena a deeper and more multifaceted character in the process.
Jason: So that raises an interesting question: Can John Cena be a full-fledged villain? (Some, including K Sawyer Paul, have argued he cannot be). And if WWE does try to turn to him: When, where and how should it happen? Maybe at WrestleMania 28 against Miami’s favorite son, the Rock?
Scott: Certainly Cena could be made evil. Anyone can in the right circumstance. But with no top babyface for a natural feud, that road would seem a bit rough for Cena. Cena “turning” on Rock would not work on every level. If you are a Cena devotee, you want to see him destroy the Rock, and you want to see him do so with the same passion he had in attacking Swagger, Kane, etc.
That’s the thing: Cena (the character) has been “hating” many of his foes for years, but that hasn’t turned off his most ardent supporters. In this way, he is like Hogan. At the end of the 1992 Royal Rumble, Hogan’s actions toward Sid could have been seen as a heel turn—he helped Ric Flair win the title. But no, we loved Hulk, and so it was just fair revenge. I am in the 18- to 35-year-old dude demographic. I do not despise Cena, I just don’t want him to win. I like to see him lose. I appreciate the heck out of what he does in the ring, I am just more interested when he fails. I don’t need him to be different, I just want the guys I do like to beat him. And I also want those guys to be open about the things about Cena that I don’t like. It’s OK for his character to persist so long as the universe around him evolves, if that makes sense. Cena already gets heel heat from a big portion of the crowd for legitimate, on-screen reasons. I remain unconvinced a monster heel Cena would accomplish anything. What would he do? Who would he fight? Would he still try to to win titles? Heck, can he even pull it off?
Joe: Yes, he can. And this is how I’d do it: Kane keeps torturing Cena right up to Wrestlemania. Anyone Cena is friends with gets brutally attacked by Kane. We start to see cracks in Cena’s mask (which we kind of already are). At Wrestlemania, Rock beats Cena. After the match, Cena grabs a chair (or whatever) and proceeds to just destroy the Rock. Like, what Rock did to Foley at Royal Rumble ‘99 (except without as many direct, unprotected headshots). Just leaves Rock destroyed (preferably bleeding, but I don’t think WWE is ready to go there yet).
The next night on Raw, Cena comes out and cuts a promo on the fans. He talks about how he was on every Raw, at every house show from here to Timbuktu, while the Rock cut promos via satellite. He made WWE and its fans his life, and the Rock jumped on the first train to Hollywood. But still, the fans, ingrates that they are, cheered Rock over Cena. Well, Kane was right. And now, Cena will embrace hate, and the only thing he cares about is himself, and the kids and the fans can piss off.
Then he and Kane just reign chaos down on Raw until Summerslam where someone (Punk and Rock?) puts a stop to it in a huge main event (or double main event).
Scott: I agree he could stomp a mudhole in the Rock at the end of WrestleMania and it would be incredibly effective emotionally. He would have to go pretty far to go beyond what he has done in exacting vengeance on Nexus, Kane, Umaga, etc. But the promo you outlined would be only half true. First, he’s made it very clear several times how he stayed while the Rock went Hollywood. Second, not all the fans cheer Rock over Cena. He has gotten plenty of support in this program, though he probably will not be the overwhelming favorite in Miami. Cena has made it plenty clear the fans have a right to boo him, what would he say to that? “I was wrong, you shouldn’t be allowed to boo me. You must worship at my feet.” The people who already worship him would agree; the people who already boo him would still boo. As for him reigning chaos on Raw, that’s what he does already. He plows through everyone he disagrees with. He pursues them relentlessly until he wins. They may hurt him as the curtain falls on Monday night, but he’ll be back the net week, invincible as ever. Two things I don’t know: who are the other Cena “friends” Kane could brutalize between now and WrestleMania? Kofi Kingston? Anyone else? No one else has been aligned with Cena because we’ve been shown they’re all beneath him. And after his “turn,” who would he challenge? All of the lead characters on Raw right now are outright heels or have heel tendencies. The main reason we need the Rock-Cena angle now is because no one else remains in Cena’s league, both in what we can expect form them in the ring and what they can do in terms of crowd reaction. I don’t think he needs a heel turn, I think he needs a vacation.
Joe: Yes, Hogan occasionally did something a little outside the lines, but everyone loved him. He could do no wrong in the eyes of the fans at that time. Cena, obviously, has a much different standing with the audience, despite playing a similar character (or maybe because he’s playing a similar character). I’m also in the 18-35 dude demographic and like Cena. I like the values he espouses, his work ethic (both in character and as a performer), and his work in the ring. Sometimes his promos are a bit goofy, but the same could be said of The Rock.
I think what this ultimately comes down to for me is a desire to see him become a deeper character, because I feel like he can, but he’s shackled by this goody two-shoes character, either because he wants to be or because management stuck him with it and he’s a company man, but, as his work with Punk showed last summer, he’s capable of more. I think a heel turn is the best way to get that out of him.
Jason: I don’t despise Cena, but I certainly find his overly cutesy manner sometimes infuriating. If he became a full-fledged villain, I would certainly enjoy someone like CM Punk battling against him again. Or a fresh main event who looked up to Cena and is now disgusted with his attitude (Kofi Kingston?). The only thing I really feel like I need to see from a good-guy Cena is a WrestleMania match with Undertaker. So I’d be reluctant to turn Cena before then. And I’m not in the camp that WWE “needs” to turn him. But would turning him be compelling and open up some storyline possibilities? Absolutely.
Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was killed by that murderous, scary, serial killing wrestler guy Kane John Cena.
WOO!
ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER
It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.
This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the angry part, and the with each other part.
The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.
The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.
Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay [ed. note: this is still how it is over there]) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.
Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.
BIG JOHNNY STUDD
In addition to being this close to telling Eve to shut her fucking mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “I drive a Dodge Stratus!!” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”
Also, The Squared Circle wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):
I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.
I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker.
And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk CP Munk), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.
DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ
I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.
When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.
He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.
The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.
I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make.
SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST
Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.
I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing a long to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.
What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (and that’s including the hair flip).
CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE
It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” which I started last week. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his Flyerman jacket.
I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.
Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:
Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.
Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.
Honourable Mention: Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!
Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”.
I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”
Honourable Honourable Mention: This Teddy Long “Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz” video that for some reason I laughed at.
I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over.
He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.
What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means he was watching Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.
Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.
All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.
CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!
Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.
Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.
ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT
Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?
This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.
PEREZ/PARIS HILTON
Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.
Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed.
Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?
Honourable Mention: Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.
Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.
I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.
I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.
Mitch is a regular contributor to Fair to Flair and the founder of PIZZABODYSLAM. He is also on Twitter, where he talks about how he watches and writes about and thinks about wrestling all-day everyday. He is also a grown-up.
“Ugh, I can’t believe they’re making _________ look so weak.” — Random Internet Commentator
It happens all the time. A favorite wrestler isn’t portrayed as a world-beating badass, and his or her fan chorus starts crying that the wrestling company is making him or her look “weak”. As if not being the best, strongest, coolest, toughest and smartest character all the time is a mortal sin.1 Obviously, on a base, wholly-immersed-in-the-story level, all of us want our favorite wrestlers to win all the time. If anyone watches wrestling totally detached from an emotional level, maybe then wins and losses wouldn’t matter so much in terms of investment, but then I would ask why anyone would watch a form of entertainment where they can’t be involved on some level. Even those like Bethlehem Shoals who watch the NBA without a favorite team still love the game of basketball enough that they’re not watching each contest strictly analytically. So yes, the dismay at “weakness” is to be expected
That being said, where would any wrestling character be without a moment of weakness? We never find out about a person’s character when they’re at their strongest. However, it’s in their moments of despair and anguish where we find out what they’re truly made of. Superman movies aren’t made with the Man of Steel beating up bad guys for two hours and making it look easy. That would be boring. It’s the conflict, whether it’s Lex Luthor shooting kryptonite at him or Superman going through an internal, existential crisis that makes the movie. In turn, wrestling characters grow not by pumping their fists and going “WOO WOO WOO” all the time or by overcoming non-existent odds over hapless opponents. Not so oddly enough, only the former situation is put under the microscope while the latter’s lack of weakness is always called out.
Obviously, people are going to complain about Zack Ryder being made to look “weak” more than John Cena, mainly because Cena has already “made it”. It all goes back to the stereotypical wrestling fan attitude that once someone finally gets over, they have to start losing every match or else they’re using some vague political magic to somehow keep their spot. That being said, both guys need equally to show their vulnerable sides.
But how does someone make it? Yeah, there are the Goldbergs of the world who do it by never losing, but remember how memorable he was after he lost? Yeah, me neither. Most of the people worth a damn survive hardships on their way to the top. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin didn’t break through to the main event by beating Bret Hart. He passed out in the Sharpshooter in a moment of stubbornness, choosing to “die” rather than give up. Mick Foley became legendary because of the lengths he went to make other people look good. The Rock lost as much as he won at the main event level. Undertaker “died” and came back so many times that it was almost ritual. Ric Flair made a habit of giving the false hope that the hometown hero could beat him before he won in the end and made everyone hate him even more.
In the same vein, Ryder running around acting like a horror movie victim is necessary. Okay, maybe the exact execution of his fear and the story that’s being told might not be totally conventional. But in order for him to evolve from a one-note club hopper into the next level, there needs to be a hook. If that means Ryder has to overcome his fear and face Kane, then wouldn’t his weakness have been worth it?
Wrestling is not a sport inasmuch as the best characters aren’t the ones who are strongest all the time. They’re the ones who show the best development. For that to take place, weakness is necessary. The story is king, and stories where everyone is awesome are just boring.2
TH writes The Wrestling Blog and broadcasts The Wrestling Podcast. You can find him on Twitter, or at various other spots around the Internet. He also loves Chikara, and quite frankly, thinks you should too.
